IFS and The Effects On Work

Yesterday, in the middle of an afternoon meeting, my partner suggested that the presentation I’ve been working on for months, be scrapped.

I shot back with something a bit more biting and defensive than I’m proud to admit.
But it made me realize something.

I’ve felt that before and I know that voice trying to hurt back. I remember that in early days in my career presenting an idea to my boss or a client and getting it shot down.

I remember critiques in college, and high school art class.

It reminded me also of getting bullied or punched by my brother. The voice biting back was the kid inside me who was hurt, and wanting to hurt back.

[Lightbulb!]

There are so many parts inside of us.

Each one has been created throughout our lives to serve some emotional purpose, to keep us safe. And when they work– when they help us get through a difficult situation, they stay.

This is the basic premise behind Richard C. Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems.

Each part of us should not be seen as “good” or “bad” but as a tool our brain has created to help us adapt and get long a little easier in the world.

The parts have had to step up before, so they don’t fully trust that the “adult me” right now can handle the situation; they come to the surface and take over.

Like the task master who makes sure that I hit my deadlines. Or the rule-follower who makes sure the house is clean before company comes over. Or the spotlight-seeker when I have a little too much caffeine and I’m giving a presentation. The people pleaser. The dreamer. The needy one. The artist.

All of these parts come out when they’re needed and they’re not us. Not any single one of them is who we are. They’re just a way for us to survive and manage in the world.

We can heighten our awareness when things get stressful or hard, that one or more of these parts of us are going to come out.

When we’re aware of it, we can start to communicate with these parts to quiet the ones that aren’t immediately helpful (“I don’t need to worry about the deadline right now, thank you task master”) or bring out a part that might be needed (“Let’s try to be a little more playful with this meeting”).

Listen for the parts, they’re in there and they want to talk.

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Caveday is a company aimed at improving your relationship to work. We write regular posts here and send out monthly newsletters with productivity tips, life hacks, and recommendations. Sign up for the mailing list here.

Jake Kahana is a cofounder of Caveday. Sign up for his personal emails, called “The Email Refrigerator” here.